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Stop Disqualifying Yourself From Love

When you’re single, sometimes it’s hard to see things clearly. For many of us, a significant other is a sounding board in a lot of ways. They help us talk through the untruths we feel so we can realize the truth in front of us. When you don’t have that person in your life who’s building you up and helping you see past the difficulties, you can get lost in your own insecurities.

During our most insecure moments alone, we tend to start pulling back from others instead of putting ourselves out there. We start speculating WHY we can’t get out there, and in turn keep ourselves from actually getting what we want in life — someone to share it with.

When I’ve been in these places, I tend to take the easy way out in the beginning. The truth is I’m just not ready to be in a healthy relationship, so I start cataloging all the reasons I can’t be in one anyway.

I mean, the timing just isn’t right in my life.

I’m so busy with my kids, and they can’t function without me (ahem).

I really need to lose some weight before I start looking for someone special. I don’t want to be worried about how I look all the time.

This is just my lot in life. My life’s never been an easy one. Maybe God wants me to be single.

When I allow these feelings into my life, I’ve also noticed that I start hearing other people point them out as well.

For example:

If I’m feeling overwhelmed and someone says, “I don’t know how you do it all,” that’s confirmation that I’m not able to do it all, and I shouldn’t consider adding a relationship to my plate.

If I’m in a difficult season with one of my kids and someone says, “You really are a good mom; you’ll figure it out,” that’s confirmation that I should focus more on them and figure it out, not consider adding a relationship to my plate.

If I’m not happy with the way I look and someone says, “You look really happy,” that’s confirmation that I must not look good otherwise or they would have said so, so I shouldn’t consider adding a relationship to my plate.

If I’m caught up in a past mistake and can’t seem to get my mind off of it, and someone says, “We all make mistakes, it’s OK,” that’s confirmation that I shouldn’t consider adding a relationship to my plate because it’ll likely be another mistake.

Do you see where I’m going here?

When we are knee-deep in thought about one area of our lives, we often only hear what we are already feeling. Even if others try to encourage us and be the sounding board we need to push us back out into life, we tend to redirect it back to validate our already skewed feelings about the situation.

Are you stuck in a mindset and won’t allow yourself (or others) to break out of it? Are you using it as a crutch to avoid putting yourself out there and trying to find the thing you long for most?

When you’re getting too much into your own head, you miss hearing not only what others are trying to speak into your life, but what God has to say on the matter.

First of all, He knows that we need others in our lives. Not just friends. Not just family. But someone whom we deeply connect with on an intimate level, a connection that can only come from a mate. We need that intimate sounding board who we can trust wholeheartedly. He saw it from the beginning in the Garden of Eden: “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him” (Genesis 2:18).

So, stop allowing your mind to tell you differently and hold you back from what you want. The person for you will not see these reasons you focus on as stumbling blocks. In fact, they might be the very things that attract them to you.

You are who you are because God made you exactly that way. To serve a purpose both in the kingdom and in your own life. Live confidently in the knowledge that you are worthy of love, and stop using excuses to disqualify yourself from it. Get back out there, sweet friend, and find that special sounding board you’ve been looking for.

About Laura Polk

Laura Polk is a writer, speaker and textile designer. Like most single moms, she never intended to parent alone. In fact, growing up in a family of divorce, Laura saw firsthand how it affects the children in the family. Because of this dual perspective, she has a real passion for single moms to choose a different path than what the world encourages them to take, so they can build a new version of their family.
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