I hope you had a happy, thriving holiday! Now that a new year has come, you may be focused on finding love in the new year.
As Christians, we know God is in control of our lives. We walk in faith and prayer, and He supplies our needs and directs our paths.
“But Alison,” you say, “I already know that I should pray and trust God. I’m looking for some other practical steps that I can take to find love.”
Dear reader, you’ve come to the right place. For the first time ever, I’m going to publish my top dating tips, culled from my personal experiences across three decades of singleness. If you follow the tips below, I can guarantee 100 percent that you will reach the same level of success in your love life as I have in mine.
1) How to Handle Real-life Prospects
Let’s say there’s someone in your sphere who seems like a good match for you. They’re godly, mature and even available! You’re smitten. Now you need to let this person know you’re interested in something more than friendship.
I generally accomplish this by avoiding that person at all costs. Talk to everyone in the room but them. If you must speak, I advise you to keep it short and awkward, and then return to avoidance as soon as possible. Try not to even mention their name when they’re not around; your cause will be ruined if any of your mutual friends suspect that you’re interested!
Your person of interest will soon notice how little you interact with them and take it as a sure sign that you’re attracted to them. You may need to keep it up for months, or even years, but take heart – you’re sure to succeed in the end.
2) How to Handle Online Prospects
If you have no prospects in your immediate circle, you may decide to try online dating. The first thing you must do is create a profile. Try to include photos that illustrate your strengths and interests: you’ll need some highly filtered gym photos to showcase your literal strengths (aka your biceps), a picture with your ex to show that you’re not bitter, and a few bathroom-mirror selfies to demonstrate your commitment to personal hygiene. Your photos should all be at least five years old, so that potential matches know you were just as cool back then as you are now.
You might be wondering what to do if you don’t want to pay the monthly fee for an online dating service. Good question. Remember back in high school when having a friend with a car was almost as good as having a car yourself? The same thing applies to online dating.
When I had a subscription to an online dating site a few years ago, one of my friends would regularly take my laptop to peruse my matches on her own behalf. This is a free and fun way to not only meet eligible singles, but also convey that you’re a creepy, free-loading cheapskate. The first time my friend messaged a guy through my account, she led with this line: “Do you know who’s cooler than Alison? Jesus. But do you know who’s less cool than Jesus but still cooler than Alison? Me. Anyway, my name is…” and then went on to introduce herself.
Shockingly, she never heard back from that guy, but it didn’t deter her from trying again with another match (let’s call him Freddy) who did actually email back. When she finally got her own account months later, she found that she, too, had been matched with Freddy. She messaged him to let him know of his good fortune in having now been contacted by her twice, through two different profiles, but he never replied. He’s probably just an exception, though; I’m sure you’ll have much better luck when using your friends’ online dating profiles to find love.
3) How to Handle the First Date
Using the above strategies, you’ll soon have plenty of dates on your calendar. How can you “wow” your date? I’m glad you asked.
The most important quality you can bring to a date is a sense of humor. Humor is even more attractive than actual attractiveness, which is why you frequently see top comedians paired up with supermodels, while your professional athletes and Hollywood stars — lacking that all-important sense of humor — are constantly having to take their moms to their various award shows because they can’t find anyone else to go with them.
To help you out, I’m going to share some jokes I have used on actual dates:
“What did the zero say to the eight?” “Nice belt.”
“What do you call a fish with no eyes?” “Fshhh.”
“What was the last thing that went through the bug’s head when it hit the windshield?” “Its butt.”
Heh. That last one gets me every time. In the unlikely event that those jokes don’t land you a marriage proposal on the spot, try making fun of your date. Experts agree that you shouldn’t spend too much time talking about yourself; laughing at your date lets them know that you care about getting to know them.
For example, I once went out with a man from on online dating site. Let’s call him “Selfie Sam,” because this is basically what I called him, due to the fact that two of his four profile photos were bathroom mirror selfies. “Did you know that 50 percent of your photos are selfies?” I asked, sometime within the first 15 minutes of meeting him. Ha ha! More jokes ensued. He was so dazzled by my blinding wit that he was too intimidated to even call me back.
So anyway, remember that whether you’re painstakingly ignoring the person of your dreams, or touching up a mission trip photo from 2001 to use on your eHarmony profile, the most important thing is to keep a sense of humor.
Good luck out there!