When Grace Finds Me

After a long day at work, drained from training and the pressures of meeting deadlines, I get into my car, trying to ignore the fact that my oil change is long overdue and surprised that my tires are still hanging in there.

After picking up my kids I drive home, going over today’s to-do list in my mind. I’m wondering if I remembered to pay the water bill — all the while my kids are fighting in the backseat about who knows what.

It’s hotter than 100 degrees outside. We make it home, I open the front door in hope of finding comfort from the heat and the craziness in my backseat, and instead I’m greeted by piles of laundry on the sofa and realize my kids forgot to turn their lights off before we left this morning. We’re halfway through the week, and it’s church night. I’m exhausted already.

I manage to get myself and the kids ready so we’ll make it on time — I’m feeling pretty proud of myself for being on time — so I start to feel a little better.

But my moment of triumph lasts but a minute … when I see my daughter’s face change. She gives me that look  — the look that I’d just ruined her whole life.

“You forgot to remind me today was Princess Day.” My heart sank as I looked around and saw all the little girls wearing a princess dress and a crown. I stood there thinking I might as well have a sign on my shirt, “Worst Mom Ever.”

By the time I got back in my car, I was in tears.

When I was finally able to stop crying I debated on what I should do with my kid-free time. A nap? Go clean my house? Homework? Catch up with a friend?

I decide to go grab a cup of coffee, open my Bible and get out my journal. I sat there, spending time with God, reading His Word, writing down my thoughts.

In this moment, grace finds me.

I go pick up my kids after VBS, my heart still hurting from letting my daughter down. As I walk in the door she runs to me and puts her arms around my waist (OK, who am I kidding, I don’t have a waist … nice try, right?) She puts her arms around me and simply says, “I love you, Mommy.” A wave of relief washes over me as I realize she doesn’t remember she was mad at me.

In this moment, grace finds me.

I get home and debate on whether I should clean or do homework or just go to bed. Instead, I decide to do gymnastics in the living room with my kids (well, mostly them). We laugh and laugh and laugh.

In this moment, grace finds me.

I’m usually the last one to go to bed, and even though I’m lying down, my mind continues to race. Did I love my kids enough today? Was I too hard on them? Did I yell too much? I wish I didn’t have to work so much. I wish I could spend more time with them.

Then I feel a piece of paper poking my foot underneath the covers. I reach down and grab it, and right before I crumple it up to throw it away, I realize it’s a letter from my son that he wrote me for my birthday.

“I love you, Mommy. Thank you for teaching me about God and loving me and buying me stuff. You’re the best mom ever.”

My heart melted and my eyes filled with tears.

In this moment, grace finds me.

In the moments when the duties of being a single parent feel overwhelming and sometimes impossible. In the moments when I start to doubt myself and fear creeps in.

A cup of coffee, a quiet moment when I can journal, pulling a muscle while attempting to do gymnastics with my kids, finding my son’s note under the covers, trying not to lose my temper when I step on toys in the bathtub — and even when I’m feeling like the worst mom ever.

In my everyday, ordinary, craziness that is my life … these are the moments when grace finds me.

Patsy Rocha is from a small town in East Texas. She is a lover of Christ, and a single mother of two. She currently works as a case manager at a non-profit agency serving victims of abuse. She will graduate with a B.A.A.S in Behavioral Science from Texas A&M University in 2015. She loves her community group, serves as a Bible study teacher, and is a member of Center Church. She loves coffee and writing.