Sharing My Love For Lust With My Future Spouse

I wish I didn’t love porn.

I don’t watch porn and have been freed from it, but I wish I didn’t love it. I wouldn’t have to have my cable box filtered, my amazon prime filtered, or have other men keep me accountable.

For example, take sour cream. I hate sour cream. However, I don’t have to avoid it. I don’t have an impulse to grab it when I pass by the dairy aisle at the grocery store. It would be unimaginable to binge on one whole quart of it in an evening. No. I hate sour cream, and because I hate it, I can easily avoid it.

Someone wrote about loving porn, and right off the top of my head, I was like “what?” Then I read it and I understood. I’m very fortunate to be free from sex addiction. On June 23, it will be my 5-year anniversary from the last time I hooked up. Wow. How much the Lord has strengthened me and kept me from the evil one! However, I still get tempted, and sometimes I think about it.

This is my reality.

And because it’s my reality, it is something that I need to be intentional about discussing with my future spouse. It may sound like a given, but it isn’t. I say that because it hasn’t been on my mind at all. I talk a lot about my testimony — how the Lord has healed me and how much victory I’ve had. But what I don’t talk about is my day-to-day struggle. The magazine covers on the counter of the store that trigger memories, the bad days that lead to sleepless nights when I just want to numb myself to sleep. I need to share that with more than just my accountability partners. I need to share that with whoever I date.

My wife is going to be my helper. And lust is something that I’m going to need her to help me with. Up to this point I’ve felt that I didn’t need to bring it up with someone I’m dating, that I can just talk to my accountability guys about it. But that’s the wrong approach. And for those of you who endure the same struggle, here’s why:

1. You may be giving the false impression that you don’t struggle.
   If you give the false impression that you don’t struggle, how can she help? How can she encourage you? How can she know that a movie scene might trigger something? How can she know to go to a more secluded beach for vacation? There are many applicable ways your wife can help your battle with lust.
2. You maybe wounding her unexpectedly.
   If she doesn’t know you struggle, she may be wounded by your pro-activeness. When you’re married, you at times will spend every waking second with her. So she’s going to see a lot more of you. She’s going to see how you react to a lot of things. Several things she may not notice when you’re dating. This might come as a big blow to her and make those first few months of marriage very difficult.
3. She may not be able to deal with it.
   This is an important one. You need to talk about it because she may not be able handle it. I’ve had victory in my life with porn and sex addiction. But some men have never struggled with that and aren’t tempted like I am. The mere fact that I have to be proactive in my life is something that she may not be able to handle. And it’s important that it’s discussed. I’ve taken that for granted in the past.

The more I walk in this type of ministry, the more I see women who struggle with lust as well.

For the most part, the people I’ve dated have been very supportive. But it’s possible they may not able to deal with this part of my life. Just like some people cannot deal with someone who struggles with depression, or anxiety.  The constant battle may be something they’re not fully equipped to handle.

However, there is always hope with Christ. I’ve dated people who strongly choose to lead life with this truth and not their feelings. These two verses have helped us overcome each other’s brokenness.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. –Philippians 4:13

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. –Romans 8:1

There’s nothing to fear. You can do this. If you love her, you’ll tell her.