So I’ve got some great news; I’ve decided … (wait for it) … TO GET MARRIED! Yay! Yes, sir. I want to be in covenant with a godly woman where we can serve each other and grow more like Christ each and every day.
Now I just need to find a date. Is that backwards? Should I find a woman first, then decide to get married?
For a very long time, I knew that I wanted to get married. But I don’t think my actions showed that. I really didn’t know how to pursue or treat a lady. I figured you just play those things by ear.
The Wonder Years
I went to a singles ministry attended by approximately 2,000 20s and 30s on a single night. It was awesome; every night after service, you go out to the lobby and see the masses of people and think about all the possibilities of people you could date. There were short ones, tall ones, redheads, brunettes, athletic, curvy—you name it and it was probably there. What was more amazing is that when you think a girl catches your eye and you start making a move, a new girl walks right through door. Who was that? I don’t know, but I’m going to find out. So the pursuit of this girl that you don’t know begins. I mean, you just don’t know, she could have it all!
Three years have passed by, and it’s still very exciting to see the possibilities. It’s bound to happen! One of these days, I’ll have a girlfriend!
I didn’t think I had unrealistic expectations. I always wanted a Spanish-speaking woman, but due to the small pool that was in, I compromised on that desire. I wanted someone like me. I thought, If I exist, then I’m sure someone like me or more awesome is around the corner. I like to run marathons and lift weights; I’m educated, responsible, love the Word, lead a small group … I enjoy suspenseful movies, Tough Mudders, college football, Star Trek, comic cons and electronic music. Okay, fine, I can compromise on the comic cons.
The Garbage Pail
I had a small porn addiction and maybe a small sex addiction, but I was pretty good about leaving that behind when I was in a relationship or pursing one. A girl just really helped me be more accountable. I thought I wouldn’t cheat on her with my thoughts because I would care for her too much. Granted, when it didn’t work out I fell back into that rut, but I thought, all the more reason to be in a relationship. A pastor talked about taking care of your junk, but I had a small problem and not a big one. I thought every man struggled like me. I didn’t think I needed to be a disciple or be accountable to anyone. I didn’t want to be legalistic. I thought, I’m doing a good job on my own.
Where do I even start? Do I want to get married? My answer may surprise you. Absolutely not. In the past, I had very unrealistic expectations of a wife. And before I could even begin pursuing a woman, I needed to realize I was very immature in my walk. I had been a Christian for a long time, but I never developed consistency in any part of the Christian disciplines. When it came to discipleship and accountability, I was very defensive and had answers to everything. I thought I was the exception to their “wisdom.” I was not teachable.
Free People Free People
As much as I loathed being single, I had to take a break from dating. This was actually quite freeing. When people asked, “Hey, you think that girl is cute?” my answer was always, “Who cares?” I mean, I had decided to take a break to focus on my walk with God. There was no sense in entertaining any thoughts of a woman because I wasn’t going to be dating. It was a time where the Lord broke me and built me right back up. I was fortified with a new sense of purpose. I wanted to help others like me. I had seen too many men fall into the same trap I’d been in, and they were bringing women into their baggage.
A Dime a Dozen
When I look back at how I searched for a wife, I realize I was missing out on so many godly women. As I looked at the high heels, cute dresses and fitted jeans, immaculate makeup, and life of the party women, I missed the godly women—those women who greeted at the door, were serving all the time, who discipled others and had a reputation of selflessness. I’ve noticed some of those aren’t your eye catchers. They’re your modest women who know their value in Christ—the ones who know that a good man will look past the materialism, the glamor and the shining lights. I’ve found that there are many of those women, many who are just waiting for a godly man to ask them out.
The Holding Pattern
I was quite happy with my singleness after I took care of my garbage. I wanted to get married, but I was willing to hold out for that unicorn. I realized it’s okay to have preferences, as long as you don’t idolize them and complain that there is NO ONE to date. I’m holding out for that comic-con, marathon-running, college-football-watching, electronic-music-listening woman.
I’m Getting Married
How do I know I’m getting married? Because I’ve taken care of my baggage. Because a man who finds a wife finds a good thing. Because I know that marriage is not about me, but it’s about Christ, and it’s about serving my wife and dying for her like Christ died for the Church. I want to be married now so all my preferences are held with an open hand. I’ve stopped settling for surface-level affirmation and replaced it with in-depth character. I started asking those women out.
Will I get married? It’s just a matter time …